Honesty

I battle depression. I say "battle" rather than "struggle" because it truly is a battle, for my sanity, my heart, for me.

I first remember feeling it in high school, although I didn't know what it was at the time. A friend's mom described it as I "lost my sparkle." Sometimes it's a sadness so profound that I can hardly face life, sometimes it's just, well, nothing. A deep, overwhelming feeling of nothingness. Either way, it's crippling on the worst days, and stifling on the "easy" days, like trying to catch a deep breath in humidity.

Sometimes I can pinpoint triggers, but sometimes it just takes me by surprise. It can last for part of a day, or for weeks. Accomplishments, busy-ness, buying things, eating, all can help, but it's like putting a bandaid on a gushing wound. It doesn't solve the problem, and I still have to address it again later (and many times those "fixes" lead to problems of their own).

One of the worst things is how it warps my sense of truth. Things that I know to be true just aren't anymore. Or it doesn't matter that they are true. I know that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made," but it just doesn't feel true in those moments.

I also feel very alone. I hate asking for help, mostly because I hate bothering people for something I need. Nevermind that companionship or empathy might truly help - it just doesn't feel that way in the moment.

I thank God that I've never felt suicidal, and that I didn't have worse post-partum depression. I felt it, to be sure, but somehow never slipped so far over the edge that I couldn't find my way back.

So, where does that leave me? Sounds like a pretty sad case here. My favorite remedy? Drugs. Seriously. Those happy pills are one of modern medicine's best inventions. Today's anti-depressants don't alter your personality, and if one isn't working, others are available for your specific case. The only problem with the drugs...I went off them when we started trying for a baby. I felt very strongly about affects on the child. I know there have been studies, and there are versions you can take that aren't supposed to affect the baby, but I really feel like there isn't enough long-term data for that. I didn't want to risk it. Those were a wild few years, and I promise I would have gone back on them if I felt like I couldn't make it.

My second-best solution, then, is a whole-lifestyle approach. I totally disagree with Tom Cruise and his vitamin spiel, but those vitamins can make a difference. Add a healthy diet with fish and nuts for those omega-3's, plenty of non-processed food, lots of sunshine and exercise, counseling, a balance of fun and creative activities mixed in with work, etc., etc. That's all, right? Well, at least a valiant attempt at having those things has made a difference to me.

I really can't say enough about the creative outlets. Doing something, even for just a few minutes each day, makes a huge difference. Find a musician or artist who expresses how you feel at your worst, and then try to find one that expresses how you feel at your best. Heck, if you can put into words or art your own feelings, you're turning the darkness on its head and using it for good!

More recently, I started keeping a notebook labeled "Depression References." It's going to be verses and other writings that I find inspirational in this battle. I know I tend to overlook their truth in my darkness, but I get the feeling having a long list of these truths and snippets could be a pretty good battle plan.

Here are a couple of my current favorites:

"The Lord my God illumines my darkness." Psalm 18:28

"A bruised reed He will not break, and a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish." Isaiah 42:3